Every list made by the new child owner of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory is a Bucket list.
Headline: Iceland's [Female] Prime Minister Marries Female Partner
KM: You think it's crazy having a black president? I'd love to see what would happen in the US.
BK: Well, we already went back in time as far as the Tea Party, so I guess... Pilgrim Party? "You can't dance! You can't dance! Everybody buckle your hats!" ...that's no good, it doesn't even rhyme.
Donkey Hodey: Our in-laws & us have the same playpens except ours has little elephant heads hanging on a mobile above them while theirs has monkeys. Since monkeys are cooler than elephants, I wanted theirs, so last week at dinner, I switched them while nobody was looking. I was waiting all week for a phone call asking where their monkeys were, but it never came. Instead, we came home from dinner that Friday and they had been switched back. My in-laws broke into my damn house to steal back the monkeys. They watch me like a hawk whenever I'm over there now. I'm waiting for them to let down their guard.
BK: You gotta have more black friends with babies your daughter's age. It would be awesome as shit to switch babies one day when they're babysitting, and then be all "What do you mean, this isn't her? She's wearing the same onesie!"
Jesse got a coupon for Father's Day for "An hour of dirty sex". Unfortunately on the back there wasn't a list of all of the other locations where I could redeem it. Any broads on here accept those?
Jacktion! Your kid gives the strangest presents.
BK Pop Tarts are like Breakfast Pie.
Jacktion! Breakfast Pie is what I call morning sex.
BK But you don't get to call it very often.
Jacktion! Yes, it left me far too soon.
Now I'm mourning morning sex.
Things I Wish I Had Thought Of Yesterday: Sending a tasteful flower arrangement to Dawn Brancheau's funeral with the banner "So Long, and Thanks For All The Fish."
Burnsy woke up at 6 after 11 hours of sleep and just cleaned the bejesus out of his kitchen, gangsta.
Donk bejesus is really hard to get out of grout.
BK: jesus, i just got a 12 page missive on the do's and don'ts of airing olympics footage
BK: it was mainly "don'ts"
Donk: Don't refer to Canada as "America Jr."
Donk: Don't talk about how old the Chinese figure skaters look.
Jack!: Don't play footage of lugers rocketing into metal poles.
Donk: Don't act all surprised or get condescending if a tropical country wins a medal in something.
Donk: Don't call curling "Shuffleboard on ice"
Jack!: Don't watch Spongebob with the snowboarding team.
Donk: If a german bobsledder rips her unitard, don't put it into a .gif
Jack!: Waterskiing squirrels are not an Olympic sport.
Donk: What happens in the olympic village stays in the olympic village
Donk: Male figure skaters are just to be called "male figure skater", not "fag, queer, nancy-boy, twinkle-toes, or cock-warmer"
Jack!: The bi-athaletes don't "go both ways"
Donk: They are called "Norwegians", not "Norweegies"
Donk: Scandinavia is not a country
Jack!: Mexican ski jumpers are not "trying to make it across the border"
Donk: "Polish skier" and "ski pole" are not interchangeable terms
Donk: Nor is a Polish Skier falling off a jump to be called a "pole vault"
Jack!: Slalom is not the creepy guy from Lord of the Rings.
Donk: Despite what Subway will have you believe, Michael Phelps is not competing in these Olympic games.
Jack!: Don't point out that it never snows in Vancouver.
Jack!: Don't call older women at the games "VanCougars"
Jack!: When you see an athletes in blue ski suits, don't say they're representing Pandora.
Donk: Please don't mention how many fewer black athletes are at these games than at the summer games.
Jack!: Please stop advertising ESPN 2's coverage of the Autumn Games next year.
Jack!: If a figure skater faceplants, don't say she's "Ice Dancing with the Stars"